How competent am I?

“How competent am I?”

Dear Millennial,

Do you ever ask yourself that question? I do. The thing is, I’m typically not the one answering the question; I’m allowing other people to answer the question for me. Am I conscious of that decision? No, not always.

I once read a book called Present Over Perfect by Shauna Niequist (I highly recommend it). She wrote a passage that has now become part of who I’m striving to be. The passage makes me conscious of myself in a way that I’ve never been before. Niequist wrote a chapter entitled, “On Disappointing People.” I found myself identifying with a lot of what was said throughout the chapter, but the following passage stuck out to me the most:

“For so many years I was deeply invested in people knowing that I was a very competent, capable, responsible person. I needed them to know that about me, because if that was true about me, I believed I would be safe and happy. If I was responsible, I’d be safe and happy.”

Niequist went on to later explain how that very mindset had become exhausting, turning her into a resentful person whom was out of touch with her friends  & angry with her family. I saw myself in that passage, more so in my professional life versus my personal, but nonetheless I could identify. I think we can all agree that we feel it’s important to be considered competent as we try to make a name for ourselves.

“I can do this task”
“I’m responsible”
“I’m dependable”
“I’m credible”

The list goes on…

“When we feel as though others do not share the same perceived notion of “competence” that we have for ourselves, we feel as though a weakness of ours has been exploited.. or that we have disappointed someone, based on the expectations that we’d assume others have for us & that of which we have for ourselves.” After being “sick and tired of being sick and tired,” Niequist quickly realized something had to change…Annnd here’s where I was enlightened! She stated:
“I’ve realized one thing that makes it hard for me to disappoint people is my tendency to overestimate how close I am to someone, and then how important it is that I don’t disappoint this dear, dear friend. But upon closer inspection, I am probably not that person’s dear friend and this is probably not a deep heart wound but probably more a small professional disappointment.”

“Small professional disappointment” will always and forever stand out to me. There have been countless times that I’ve finished my day feeling defeated…like I’ve accomplished nothing, and I had no idea what I was doing. After reading that passage, I asked myself why I felt that way? Niequist nailed the answer; I was focused on making the wrong people think I was competent. I cared more about what I thought they were thinking than I should have. Don’t get me wrong, opinions matter. The question I began asking myself was, “Am I focusing on the opinions of those that do/should matter instead of allowing opinions that don’t matter to control my safety and my happiness?”

When things don’t go as planned or as I’d hoped they would, I take inventory of the individuals I’m dealing with and assess; “Is this a small professional disappointment, or should I genuinely be bothered by my actions?” More often than not, it’s a small professional disappointment that others will get over. Everyone will move on eventually, and no love will be lost. I’ve learned to no longer be concerned with the expectation one may have for me. I do the best that I know I can, and I only concern myself with what matters.

I’m learning to answer the question for myself: “How competent am I?” Very.

Small professional disappointments are just that. Nothing more, nothing less. What a relief.

-Millennial Jas