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Dear Millennial,
Road trips..
We’ve all been on them, typically accompanied by our relatives and/or friends, for family reunions or spring break getaways, etcetera. However, there comes a point in some of our lives when the dynamic of road-tripping changes, and begins to include professional acquaintances for business related events.
My dynamic of road-tripping had remained the same for years; we’d hit the open road, engaging in conversation about various topics with the understanding that not all passengers would share the same perspectives on certain issues. However, it was understood that everyone had the right to speak their mind and share their opinions openly. As the saying goes, “we are the company we keep.” With that being said, many of our family and/or friends view various topics, worldly and otherwise, as we do. Although their opinions may vary slightly at times, it’s safe to say that there’s a shared consciousness that we have with friends/family about certain topics.
Now imagine taking the concept of your traditional road trip and replacing the passengers; instead of your family and/or friends, you are now in a car with a professional acquaintance. The individual you are now traveling with views life through a different lens, and they aren’t shy about it. I’m sure your first thought would be to carry yourself the way you would on a road trip with friends and/or family, expressing yourself, stating your opinion and letting your candid thoughts be known without a second-thought. Right?! If only it were that easy…
It’s more complicated than that… I’ll explain why…..
This letter was inspired by a long distance road trip (six hours) I was assigned to take with a coworker who was a generation or two older than I was, and of a different racial & socio-economic background. My coworker had been nice, approachable, easy to talk to, and willing to help leading up to the trip. I was confident that our time together would go well. If anything, I thought it would give us an opportunity to continue building our professional relationship. The start of our trip was everything I thought it would be. We talked about our families, hobbies, career paths and more. I could tell my colleague was getting more comfortable with me because the conversation started to shift as the trip continued. The conversation and comments went from friendly to offensive, ignorant and close-minded.
As I continued listening to his comments, I quickly realized that he was clueless about the way life worked outside of his own world. I began thinking to myself that no matter what I said, he would be right and I’d be wrong because he only saw things one way. The direction of our conversation would have motivated most people to try harder to change his mind, dig in and “school him.” However, one of us had to be the clear-headed participant during the trip, and he’d already lost the opportunity to take on that title. I decided I wouldn’t allow myself to be fueled by anger due to his ignorance.
Although I thought his comments were insane and not well thought out, I knew that I would have walked away from the trip looking like the crazy one if I were to speak to him as he did to me about certain topics. With that being said, I took Auntie Chelle’s (Michelle Obama) advice and went high as he went low. I decided to sit back and nod (please note I didn’t say I decided to smile and nod). I remained pleasant, but I wasn’t amused with the direction our trip had taken. Nonetheless, getting out of the car was not an option.
Once the business portion of our trip ended and we got back on the road, I tried thinking of a solution to avoid a repeat of our previous time together. I slowly began to engage in conversation once again. Things were going well, his ignorant comments stopped and we were back to the way we started our trip initially. As our conversation continued, the dialogue began to look familiar and yet again, I found myself put off by his comments. That’s when I remembered that talking about him seemed to be the only time that our conversations were bearable.
Always remember that everyone LOVES to talk about themselves; I gave him that opportunity. Every time he would start to veer left, I’d steer him back on track.
I know you are probably thinking, “how could you let someone be so free in their conversation to say whatever they wanted, and you not respond accordingly? You conformed! You didn’t have a backbone!” If you feel that way, it’s ok. That’s why I thought writing this letter was important.
So often we think it’s important to be heard by any means necessary, but at what cost? As an African American woman, I have a target on my back that 90% of people I interact with on a daily basis do not. Due to the unique position I find myself in at work, I’m already conscious of what stereotypes and/or labels are being placed upon me as soon as I enter the room. For that reason, I am VERY strategic in picking my battles. There was nothing, and I mean NOTHING, that this coworker could do TO me or FOR me to help advance my career, increase my pay and/or fire me. He was insignificant when it came to my professional progress.
It was obvious that he held some sort of preconceived notion about people who looked like me, given the fact that he lived in a world full of people who looked, spoke and acted just like he did. I was not willing to risk my professional reputation at the hands of an uninformed individual not worthy of reasoning with. He wasn’t a professional influencer amongst our mutual colleagues but I know that had I done what you probably think I should have done, believe me when I say I’m almost certain that someone of greater substance, authority, and influence would have been made fully aware of my behavior on that road trip. Mark my words! I made up in my mind that the best way to show him otherwise was to be GREAT to debunk the stereotypes he spoke of. Even then, I could only “hope” he would understand, or at the very least shift his view on the world. Again, he was not worth it.
Had I given in, I would have succumbed to all the stereotypes and opinions that he had already convinced himself were true. I had to look at the bigger picture and weigh my options. Sometimes, you do have to speak your mind, but remember there’s a way to do it. If you can’t get out of the car, you have to sit back, nod and then decide when would be a better time to deal with the issue at hand. We will continue to encounter people just like my coworker the rest of our lives; we can’t allow people to so easily take us out of our hookup. We have to remember that if we want to grow professionally or even spiritually ….Sometimes, you have to keep it cute.
P.S. That colleague has since changed companies within the industry, and still calls me to this day when he has a question or needs help with something based on the work we did together previously. He needs me & I still don’t need him. It’s always interesting to think that that conversation was life changing for me, and just another run of the mill conversation for him.
Think before you speak,
Millennial Jas
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